1) Wake up. Brush Teeth. Eat cold pizza from last night's emotional breakdown and well needed cry.
2) Turn on computer. Boot up Microsoft Word and open notes for INTIMIDATORS #2, half written script, angry, cursing emails from editor and publisher threatening to replace you with Robert Kirkman if you don't "get your rear in gear and make it nice like we likes it." Crack knuckles and stretch. Pour glass of Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper (it's like they're trying to catch up to Coke all in one bottle!) and prepare for the Express Train to Comics Junction, Population: You.
3) Aimlessly tap fingers on keys for half an hour. The Nine-fifteen is late.
4) Start internet provider and begin searching the web for pop culture references and jokes you can swip...ah...pay homage to. Spend twenty minutes writing down things like "King Kong's balls" and "Internet spam=funny" on post-its and spend the rest of the hour scouring google for advance reviews of issue one and whether people are actually looking forward to the series. Also? Look for porn.
5) Open large coffee table copy of THE 20TH CENTURY and research the Cuban missile Crisis and major players of the early 1960s for use in the first half INTIMIDATORS #2. Silently mouth the word "Khruschev" to yourself over and over, like a mantra. Doodle the words "Mrs Nikolai Khruschev Kleid" in a little heart on old unpaid VISA bills.
6) Begin writing. 1962. Astroman. JFK. Yadda yadda. Superheroes go to Cuba to stop the missile Crisis. History history whatever. Use the phrase "JUMPIN' JOE MCCARTHY!" and cackle out loud like a supervillain. Supervillain. Hm. Okay - big Communist supervillain. Time to get your inner Boris Badenov on:
Page 4 (5 PANELS)PANEL ONEAstroman, missile gripped in his hand, looks to see where the rocket came from. Below him, the Association fights their way through the Cuban soldiers to help him out.
ASTROMAN: THAT WAS CLOSE! WHICH OF THESE JOKERS NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT NOT TO PLAY
WITH MATCHES?
SOLDIER (OP): HELLO, AMERICAN COMRADE!
PANEL TWOReverse shot - we see who Astroman is looking at now. The man who set off the rocket is in front of a flatbed and wearing a modified crimson suit of armor fitted with small rockets on his arms and a heavy missile launcher on his back. There's a modified SS-4 strapped to the launcher and a radiation helmet latched to his neck and torso. The helmet is a bit like a turret ... with slits for the eyes. The suit of armor is more like an exo-skeleton than a suit, because we can see his Cuban military uniform beneath, notably the tan pants legs and shirtsleeves. A larger white star is painted on his helmet across his chest. This is the RESISTANCE SOLDIER. He is looking up at Astroman, hands on his hips. Astroman (not to mention the reader) looks down from the sky, still holding the missile.
SOLDIER: THANK YOU TO BE CATCHING BOMB!
SOLDIER: MY COUNTRY HAS TESTED ME FOR SUCH - how in English? - SWELL MOMENT!
ASTROMAN: THAT'S SOME GET-UP YOU'VE GOT, PAL.
SOLDIER: HA HA! SPACE AGE SOVIET SUPER SUIT BUILT FIGHT AMERICAN SUPERHERO
AND SHOOT BOMB AT PREMIER KENNEDY!
PANEL THREEClose up of Astroman, staring down at the soldier.
ASTROMAN: THAT SO? YOU GOT A NAME, IVAN?
SOLDIER (OP): DA, COMRADE! IN ENGLISH IT MEAN "RESISTANCE SOLDIER!"
ASTROMAN: I'M NOT YOUR "COMRADE", SOLDIER. I'M ASTROMAN - THE GUY MAKING SURE
THOSE ROCKETS DON'T GO NEAR PRESIDENT KENNEDY!
PANEL FOURClose up of the Soldier tapping a control unit on his arm, arming the rocket on his back.
SOLDIER: DA?
SOLDIER: HOW YOU SAY IN THE NEW YORK, AMERICAN BUDDY?
PANEL FIVESoldier kneels and bends over, compensating for the kickback as the rocket ignites and launches, coming right at the reader. The back blast knocks Astroman away a bit -the missile in his hand is knocked aside.
SOLDIER: "YOU AND WHAT RED ARMY?"
ASTROMAN: NO!!

6) Walk away from script and spend time working on other projects (i.e., two hours of Classic NES Ninja Gaiden and three episodes of FAMILY GUY). Return to computer and marvel how racist your dialogue sounds. Give yourself a congratulatory pat on back. Spend half an hour relaxing your arm after two hours of video games and distorting your am to pat your back.
7) Continue writing. Fight fight fight. Astroman stops bomb and rocketed to 2005. Time to switch dialogue gears from Silver Age to Modern Age. To train mind to think that way, spend an hour watching MTV, Comedy Central, episodes of THE SOPRANOS and reading PENTHOUSE. For the articles. And the girls. Resume writing:
Page 11 (4 PANELS)PANEL ONEDark panel.
FETISH (OP): -HALLELUJAH, IT'S RAININ' MEN.
LIMIT (OP): SHUT IT, FETISH .
PANEL TWOSame shot - suddenly we're looking up at Limit, Crash and Fetish staring down at us - this is from Astroman's point of view as he opens his eyes. Crash has Al Violence in a headlock under his arm, struggling to get out.
CRASH: SO. THAT'S WHAT A SUPERHERO LOOKS LIKE.
CRASH: BIG DEAL.
LIMIT: RISE AND SHINE, DUDE.
FETISH: OOH. NICE ABS. CAN I KEEP HIM?
ASTROMAN (OP): WH- WHRR...?
PANEL THREEAstroman sits up - we're still looking from his POV. His arm comes up to rub his head. He sits up and Limit steadies him as he goes.
ASTROMAN: WHAT HAPPENED-? DID I... THE MISSILE-?
LIMIT: SETTLE DOWN, MAN. THAT WAS A HELL OF A FALL.
ASTROMAN: -WAIT. DID- DID I FAIL? WHY DO I SMELL SMOKE? AM I DEAD?
ASTROMAN: IS THIS HELL?
PANEL FOURLarge panel - Astroman sits up (we're looking at him now, his back actually) within the ring of Intimidators. In the distance, we can see the overall decimation and damage to the Detroit area - broken platform, bullet riddled buildings, corpses and destroyed Mafia weaponry and of course, fall out from the giant bomb. Astroman is trying to get his bearings as he sits up. Fetish and Crash back off a little to give him some room.
LIMIT: CLOSE, DUDE.
LIMIT: IT'S DETROIT.

8) HA HA HA HA HA. Laugh at a joke you've been wanting to use for years. Ask roomate to pat you on the back for using it. Explain that your arm hurts otherwise you'd do it yourself. Explain that it's not weird at all for him to touch you in that way. It's for Art. And Science.
9) Save file and review notes for the last half of the book. Remind yourself that editor and publisher have asked for "more of the funny" and make a note to pick up an issue of Reader's Digest to learn how they do it. Oh, the scamps that write "Humor in Uniform." Delightful.
10) Turn off Microsoft Word. Jump online and begin simultaneous thread on Comicon, Comic Book Resources, the Image boards and Millarworld categorically stating that this book will be the good stuff like the kids seem to like these days. Do the same at the Comics Journal boards, but add that underneath it all it's a deconstruction of Nineties comics and the American political and social infrastructure at the end of the Twentieth Century and a shrill cry for help from a boy who just wants to be loved. Spend the next three hours watching old episodes of SEINFELD and eating burritos. Check email. Sigh when your inbox is empty. Send INTIMIDATORS #2 script to editor and publisher for review. Shut down computer. Cry self to sleep.
Neil Kleid
Writer, THE INTIMIDATORS